My Binge Journey

The belief that skinny or "looking healthy " is ACTUALLY healthy needs to be addressed OVER AND OVER AND OVER... because healthy is NOT a shape, it's a mindset. And for me, that took me 23 years to realize.....1994-2017

Ya know when it comes to food I DO NOT try to tell you what you should or shouldn't eat. And there are a few reasons for this. It's not the actual food that matters - it's WHY we turn or run away from it that matters most.

I want to share with you that I have STRUGGLED with binge and emotional eating for YEARS.

My relationship with food has changed for the better over the years but it still comes up from time to time. I know because when you NEED that control over your eating then you usually do ALL the unhealthy things FIRST just to FEEL like you are in control...when actually you are a slave to it.

I know that's what I did, and maybe we relate in that way. Just fyi- you are NOT alone and there IS HOPE.

As a child I can remember hoarding food in my closet - one of my not so fondest memories. I had convinced my mom to buy a WHOLE box of chocolate bars from Sam's Club. I remember them so well because they were the Crunch Bars with Pocahontas on them. I said I would share them with my brothers and friends....did that happen? NOPE!!!

I was a pretty active kid so I was able to hide my bingeing pretty well. Then in HS, a teacher made a comment about my skirt being too tight because I had eaten too many little debbies.

It was moments like this that continued to make me think I wasn't who I needed to be. It made me feel out of control. So the angry and sad part of me took over. I went into starvation mode. The scale became my best friend and enemy and every day (multiple times a day) I would weigh myself and either react by restricting or over consuming. There was no in between. Because in my eyes, I thought I had control by doing these things.

Did it change when I got involved in health and fitness?? HECK TO THE NO.

Because I was super active I could actually eat more - and the foods I chose were NEVER that healthy.

Sure I had some salads here and there but my food was MOSTLY high carb and high fat Costco dinners and cereal. And guys, I mean LOTS of cereal.

I KNEW I had a problem but wasn't willing to admit this.

This email has a point, I promise, so in 2009 when we moved to a different apt in Pennsylvania I decided to NOT bring the scale. I threw it out.

That was HUGE step #1

Step #2 didn't come until 2014 When I signed up to become an Online Coach.

To be honest, I felt like a hypocrite because here I was not at my IDEAL headspace. I say headspace because sure I LOOKED healthy... but was I?? Nope. But I wanted and NEEDED a change so I actually just changed ONE part of my diet at that point.

My first meal became my superfoods shake and I stopped buying cereal. Ya'll we could NOT afford a $4 shake a day but something in me said I NEEDED a better routine. And I listened.

The rest of the day was NOT perfect but at least I wasn't lacking nutrients my body craved. So in that way, I could see and feel better.

Step #3 - I got on a BETTER schedule for ACTUAL self care.

Ya see when I owned the fitness studio and even before that, I was teaching most nights of the week so by the time we had dinner it was LATE. And if you wait too long then YUP, you are more likely to go for the quicker fixes...and that's what we did.

Then in 2017 Eddie and I were able to make Coaching a full time income and it wasn't until THEN when we actually had TIME to eat healthier meals together.

When our schedules finally became more open in the evenings Eddie started subscribing to a meal delivery service. Well you still have to cook- but it was FRESH food- with more nutrient dense foods.

I finally felt satisfied from eating and no need for restriction. Most of the recipes follow the same tips in my Coaching meal plan so I am proud to say that I DO feel better and also eat better than I ever have in years.

Step #4 - the triggers are always going to be there- but that's ok....

While yes, there are STILL times when I want to say screw it and go into manic binge mode, I now KNOW what those triggers are...and I don't allow that part of me to try to take over. So you won't see Doritos or Froot Loops at my house. Because if I have them, I eat them. ALL.

Don't torture and tempt yourself. This is where ACTUAL control comes into play. You CAN feel satisfied when you're body is shown love in the way you eat, move, sleep and words of affirmation you give it.

Step #5 Planning my guilt free goodies....Yep, I PLAN out what I eat, even the treats. Sounds counterintuitive from step 4 but hear me out.

I don't sign up for those crazy fasts or restricting myself or drinking multiple shakes a day because that would only escalate the restricting tendencies for me. So instead I live by the 80/20 rule- 80% healthy- 20% whatever I'm craving. Those craving foods are a task to get though. Ice cream? yea, only at the store, and I don't buy a week's worth. It's a one serving size. Chips? Yea I buy them but they aren't Doritos to me. They are tasty, but also healthier and I don't find myself bingeing on them like I would doritos...so I buy those instead when I need a salty or crunchy snack.

This treat planning has helped me with actually ENJOYING my treats rather than hiding them in shame and that feels AMAZING.

Anyway, I just thought I would share because I hear more and more stories of people who struggle with this and I want you to know- you are NEVER alone. And if you need guidance I am always here.

Hope you have a great Wednesday and you continue to learn to accept and love who you are because YES, you are worthy of love.... especially love or yourself.
#bodypositivemovement #loveyourself