My Worst Nightmare
My Worst nightmare..(probably for most) is being in the spotlight when I'm feeling vulnerable.
Our Coach retreat was amazing but also HARD....
During a team call, I was Coached in front of others and the spotlight was on me.
While I love helping others, I rarely accept help from others (Unless you are giving me food. Then I always accept)...
But when I don't accept the help I hope others know I don't do this to be mean but I find that others need more attention and guidance more than I do....I've also been stubborn and a rebel most of my life so I want to do it my own way.
I find that it's those that show up volunteering the most to give fully to others rarely take the time to ask for the help they actually need. You might relate to this too bc we are the teachers, the instructors, the givers and those that love being appreciated for serving.
Back to sitting there on the floor surrounded by my peers..there I was, being asked what I was struggling with in my business in front of 9 other Coaches most of which I had just met in person the day before.
At first I deflected, saying .. "I just needed to be better at asking tougher questions to help others see their vision better." (Again, trying to not make this about me)."
He wasn't having it and dug deeper. So I broke down, my voice cracked and I could feel the tears welling up. I said "I don't want to lose people so I avoid asking them those hard questions. I don't want to be hurt, so I don't open myself up either. If I offend others, they will leave me. Just like people in my life that I loved have left me."
Ok, ouch. Was I actually living my worst case scenario by NOT allowing others into my life!? To me, I though if I don't get close enough to someone and I lose them, then it won't hurt so bad. But that means I have put boundaries up and I am never able to help others fully because I don't know their story and they don't know mine.
Why was I doing this?!? I realize that I've ALLOWED this trauma to hold me back in so many ways. Because this was the story I kept repeating in my head and my actions in my Coaching business were fear based bc of this belief.
This truth about this fear seemed obvious but also really hard to admit. I know I need to be more vulnerable. I know I need to accept the help others offer & I need to allow more people in.
No one can hurt me bc YES, I am brave enough to put up boundaries if needed. I can't assume and expect the worst anymore. Most of us share in these same struggles and if I truly want to give this love to others I need to accept it for myself too.
I am getting better and everyday I decide to put down my shield I know it will help me to accept love rather than run from it.
I think anytime you feel like you lose your loved ones through loss or divorce EVERY one involved goes through trauma and it leaves scars on the other side.
If you have pushed people away, and not accepted help willingly, I get it. It's time to realize it, forgive yourself and others so you can be open to a better and more loving life. I'm willing to admit it and I think the tougher part is going to be acting on that belief, but I'll willing to try harder.
Also thank you to my team mates who didn't judge but showed so much love. I accept it. I really do. & I love each of you so much